When was the last time you experienced the oh so dreaded but oh so common “mum-guilt”? (Papas in the house – please note that this subject is not meant to exclude you. Like International Women’s Day the hope is that good men among us will embrace and understand it so I’m speaking to you too. You’re welcome to feel the feels but this is such a common experience for mums that I need to truly speak to it as mum-guilt as opposed to parent-guilt).
The “Mum-Guilt” series starts here
I’ve been aware of the phenomenon that is “mum guilt” for a long time, even before becoming a mama for the first time in 2016. You know that feeling I mean. It’s that heart wrenching “I’m not good enough” feeling you get – often in relation to what you have done (or didn’t do!).
Mum-guilt knows no bounds. It runs the full spectrum and below are just a few examples:
- I didn’t make that costume for lo (little one). I bet other mums made theirs from scratch
- I forgot the extra blanket for baba at home, and it’s cold, really cold, what kind of mother forgets something like that?
- I’d love to get to the gym / nail salon / theatre / football match – but feel bad about leaving lo to go do something fun for me
- I want to introduce a bottle feed before 6 months old but everyone says breastfeeding is better
- I don’t know how much milk lo is getting when I breastfeed. Should I top up with formula just in case?
- Lo is not sleeping well… clearly my method of co-sleeping / nursing to sleep / rocking to sleep / putting bubs to bed early / putting bubs to bed later / what I am feeding lo / what I am feeding myself / determination to find my own method instead of listening to my mother / mother in law [insert your own experience here] isn’t working
- Leaving my child with a childminder /nursery in order to go to work makes me feel like a crappy mum
- Not going to work and just being at home with lo isn’t me setting a very good example is it?!
Ooooh… and here’s a biggie in the mum guilt world:
- Those moments when I miss my freedom must mean that I don’t appreciate the blessing of being a mum… *mic drop*
And it goes on… and on… and on. I have not ever come across a mum (or mum to be even) who does not regularly experience their own brand of this. In fact, in a recent Limitless Coaching survey of parents (98% of whom are mums), approximately 1 in 3 respondents mentioned wanting to change nagging mum-guilt / parent guilt as something that would improve their lives… with 46% asking for resources to deal with juggling priorities with minimal guilt.
So what now? Now that we recognise mum-guilt is inherent in all of us. We fight it right? We work to eradicate it.
Actually? No.
“Wait… whaaaaaat? We don’t fight it? I was ready to embrace my inner Muhammad Ali on its behind”
Uh uh. That’s not the approach I suggest. Fighting something that is so ingrained could be futile and frustrating. Mum-guilt is not new, is ingrained generationally and has the potential to evolve even further as women gain increasing opportunities to do it all. Mum-guilt is here. It likes where it is. It doesn’t intend to leave. It has been known to be a squatter in your home, workplace, on your commute – on some days essentially following your every move. And while one approach could be to battle it, I have a different suggestion for us. I say we make mum guilt our friend. I say, we recognise mum-guilt as a symptom of something which I consider to be a very positive thing – the increasing opportunity women have to carve their lives as they see fit.
But what do you mean by befriending mum guilt Gina?
Great question
Let’s not get this twisted…
Now I’m not talking about the best friend type that you welcome with open arms and to whom you give a copy of your house key. No. I more refer to that friend (acquaintance even) who turns up once in awhile and makes you raise an eyebrow with tales of their shenanigans. The friend that you shake your head at in incredulity but recognise that their presence in your life challenges some of your status quo. You probably wouldn’t leave them to babysit your kids but, if you’re in the right (non-judgemental, kind to yourself and others) frame of mind they certainly have their funny and fun moments – which leave you cracking up with laughter or putting your head in your hands (monkey emoticon stylee). That’s the kind of friendship level I see here – an accepting and good humoured one – and I suggest this because my hypothesis is that fighting something so inherent can be so exhausting, that it may be better to take a friendlier approach and see what we can learn from it when it shows itself.
Also – I hate the idea of the cyclical nature of you feeling guilty about not being able to eradicate mum-guilt! It doesn’t feel right to me.
Call it an experiment if you will and one that we can embark on together. This post is the first in the “Mum-Guilt” series. Stay tuned for more, please share your thoughts, impressions, ahas and please… share/forward this post with mum / parent friends who you think will benefit from this community. (By signing up via http://eepurl.com/b2hdZ1 – they will be making a smart decision [insert cheeky grin!] to be in the best possible position to receive the goodies I plan to send your way). Takes 30 seconds to sign up… go for it.
